As I find myself sitting on a plane next to two strangers (which I must say is monumental in itself - on a plane, traveling, next to strangers, not even worried), having
no access to my work email and time to reflect, I have come to the realization
of just how much my life has changed.
No, I realize how much I have changed.
I find myself realizing that some of the benefits of endurance training
that I so longed for, I have gained.
Logic – My brain never stops. I wish it would sometimes, but it just
doesn’t. I have to really focus on just
being in the moment and feeling one emotion, only thinking about one thing.
I have always been a logical thinker. It’s just the way my brain is wired. To me, A+B=C.
If you want me to believe and understand C, I need to know what A and B
are. I like processes. I want to understand how things are made,
what makes them tick, and I want to know what causes things to be the way they
are. In looking back at who I was just a
few years ago, I realize that endurance training has only sparked and grown
this logic. Now, before I go off on this bit
of a tangent, let me say that no worries, I still believe in God. So please, I don’t need friends or family
doing any type of interventions or exorcisms.
If you attempt that, I will never speak to you again. Respect my feelings and my beliefs and let me
be. And if you want to judge me for what
I’m about to write and don’t want to associate with me anymore, then fine. Don’t.
That’s your choice. I can’t waste
my entire life trying to change who I am to make everyone else happy. I don’t have enough hours in the day.
What I will say is that I have learned a new understanding
of why so many endurance athletes practice Buddhism. For the first time in my 31 years of life, I
will say this past year has really tested my beliefs in Christianity. Again I still believe in God people, so don’t
start freaking out. But endurance training
is a very logical lifestyle. Every
choice you make, in every aspect of your life, has a cause and effect. Everything you put in your mouth, every
lifestyle choice you make, every time you push yourself to exhaustion, every
time you decide to travel, everything you do will have an effect on your
training. When you’re not training for
something specific, a specific race or goal, most endurance athletes can be
extreme. I am still amazed at how much
some of the most amazing athletes I know can drink (that may be my new goal for
this year to learn how to hang with them ;)).
I have seen people drink themselves silly and then wake up the next day
and run 15 miles. It’s like they want to
see just how far they can push their bodies.
It’s like they challenge themselves to push the physical limits. Why do you think Ultra Runners exist? But that’s a topic for another blog… these
individuals amaze me and I totally understand why they go so far… even running
20 miles, I thought “I bet I could push myself even more”. I watch the Ironman and I think, if they can
do it, why can’t I? What makes me any
different?
Anyways, endurance training teaches you how much control you
actually have over your body. For
example, when I was dealing with my PF, some people would say “let’s pray about
it and you will be healed.” I am appreciative of this and believe me, I pray a lot. I understand the power of prayer, but I also
believe in the power of positive thinking.
Mind over matter. This is why
when faced with adversity in my life, I always look for the silver lining
because I believe that if you believe in yourself and the inner strength that
lies within you, nothing is impossible.
If you speak that you want to do something, but you don’t believe it
with every fiber of your being – if you don’t feel it in your heart, know it in
your mind – the goals and dreams become harder to obtain. When dealing with injury, for example, I am a
very logical thinker. I do want to pray
for God to grant my body grace and healing, but I also don’t want to pray or
believe pain and illness away without gaining knowledge of the situation. I want to know why it happened. The mechanics of it. What did I do wrong to cause it? What can I change to make sure it doesn't happen again? What can I do to recover
in the best way possible? I don’t want
to just be told, “you need to rest”. I
want to be told why I need to rest, what is happening during this recovery
time, and what will be the outcome afterwards.
I have a really hard time of just “trusting” things will work out. I want to know what I can do to make them
work out.
Now I know some things can’t be explained. I have a dear friend who has been dealing
with some unknown health issues, and my heart breaks for her. I have no idea how logic could even play a
part in her journey, because there’s no rhyme or reason why she’s going through
what she is. There have been a lot of
things that have happened in my life that I wonder how and why they happened to
me – and there is no logical explanation.
So I guess my logic has grown tremendously when it comes to endurance
training. I want to know how. I want to know what it will take. I want to know what the outcomes can be if
I’m willing to do the work. I’m a very
compulsive person and am very good at making decisions. It’s one of my strongest personality
traits. I can look at any situation,
eliminate barriers and excuses, and prioritize.
When I make crazy extreme decisions, like running a marathon, they are
made quickly and on faith. Not only
faith in God, but also faith in myself.
Faith in knowing that if I want something bad enough, even if it’s so
hard and painful I want to quit, if I want it bad enough I’ll find a way. I’ll dig it right out of the deepest darkest
parts of my soul to see just how far I can go.
Listen, these few paragraphs can’t even begin to explain
what my brain processes on a daily basis and just how crazy I can be
sometimes. It takes a very special team
to coach me. I require answers to a lot
of questions. I plan. I prepare.
I always want to learn more. I
can’t imagine living a life where I wasn't trying to learn more every day. If I had a team of coaches that become
unwilling to explain the ins and outs of things, allowing me to weigh out the
pros and cons and understand why they are what they are, I don’t think I would
be able to achieve any of these dreams I have.
We all know I’m not going to become a professional athlete and win any
races. I’m not oblivious to
reality. But endurance training has
taught me that if I am willing to do the work, I will see results. It may, no it will, take years for me to
compete with “good runners” and athletes.
But as long as my body holds up, and I am physically able to, I will
work to become a better athlete. I want
to become better. The hard work that
lies ahead motivates me. I get
satisfaction in achieving things I only ever dreamed were possible. I like to be challenged. I want to be challenged. I want to go toe to toe – and leave it all
out on the line – knowing I didn't go down without a fight.
26.2 will be part logic, part faith. Logic tells me that I did the training. I did the work. I followed the plan. I did A and B. So statistically, I would be able to finish
the race. Faith and determination will
be, from what I've been told, at mile 22.
When I ran my first half marathon, I got to mile 10 and saw Jesus. Seriously, I think there were white lights. I said I was just going to go lay down on the
curb and wait for the saints to take me home.
But somehow, and it was ugly… I finished. I’m sure I will be digging deep on
Saturday. I’m sure there will be moments
of doubt. But I need to have faith that
in those moments I will find that determination, that will deep inside of me,
that just refuses to quit. 3.2.13. #1.
Gets. Done.
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