Thoughts from thousands of miles in the air

As I find myself sitting on a plane next to two strangers (which I must say is monumental in itself - on a plane, traveling, next to strangers, not even worried), having no access to my work email and time to reflect, I have come to the realization of just how much my life has changed.  No, I realize how much I have changed.   I find myself realizing that some of the benefits of endurance training that I so longed for, I have gained. 

Logic – My brain never stops.  I wish it would sometimes, but it just doesn’t.   I have to really focus on just being in the moment and feeling one emotion, only thinking about one thing.

I have always been a logical thinker.  It’s just the way my brain is wired.  To me, A+B=C.  If you want me to believe and understand C, I need to know what A and B are.  I like processes.  I want to understand how things are made, what makes them tick, and I want to know what causes things to be the way they are.  In looking back at who I was just a few years ago, I realize that endurance training has only sparked and grown this logic.  Now, before I go off on this bit of a tangent, let me say that no worries, I still believe in God.  So please, I don’t need friends or family doing any type of interventions or exorcisms.  If you attempt that, I will never speak to you again.  Respect my feelings and my beliefs and let me be.  And if you want to judge me for what I’m about to write and don’t want to associate with me anymore, then fine.  Don’t.  That’s your choice.  I can’t waste my entire life trying to change who I am to make everyone else happy.  I don’t have enough hours in the day. 

What I will say is that I have learned a new understanding of why so many endurance athletes practice Buddhism.  For the first time in my 31 years of life, I will say this past year has really tested my beliefs in Christianity.  Again I still believe in God people, so don’t start freaking out.  But endurance training is a very logical lifestyle.  Every choice you make, in every aspect of your life, has a cause and effect.  Everything you put in your mouth, every lifestyle choice you make, every time you push yourself to exhaustion, every time you decide to travel, everything you do will have an effect on your training.  When you’re not training for something specific, a specific race or goal, most endurance athletes can be extreme.  I am still amazed at how much some of the most amazing athletes I know can drink (that may be my new goal for this year to learn how to hang with them ;)).  I have seen people drink themselves silly and then wake up the next day and run 15 miles.  It’s like they want to see just how far they can push their bodies.  It’s like they challenge themselves to push the physical limits.  Why do you think Ultra Runners exist?  But that’s a topic for another blog… these individuals amaze me and I totally understand why they go so far… even running 20 miles, I thought “I bet I could push myself even more”.   I watch the Ironman and I think, if they can do it, why can’t I?  What makes me any different?

Anyways, endurance training teaches you how much control you actually have over your body.  For example, when I was dealing with my PF, some people would say “let’s pray about it and you will be healed.”  I am appreciative of this and believe me, I pray a lot.  I understand the power of prayer, but I also believe in the power of positive thinking.  Mind over matter.  This is why when faced with adversity in my life, I always look for the silver lining because I believe that if you believe in yourself and the inner strength that lies within you, nothing is impossible.  If you speak that you want to do something, but you don’t believe it with every fiber of your being – if you don’t feel it in your heart, know it in your mind – the goals and dreams become harder to obtain.  When dealing with injury, for example, I am a very logical thinker.  I do want to pray for God to grant my body grace and healing, but I also don’t want to pray or believe pain and illness away without gaining knowledge of the situation.  I want to know why it happened.  The mechanics of it.  What did I do wrong to cause it?  What can I change to make sure it doesn't happen again?  What can I do to recover in the best way possible?  I don’t want to just be told, “you need to rest”.  I want to be told why I need to rest, what is happening during this recovery time, and what will be the outcome afterwards.  I have a really hard time of just “trusting” things will work out.  I want to know what I can do to make them work out.  

Now I know some things can’t be explained.  I have a dear friend who has been dealing with some unknown health issues, and my heart breaks for her.  I have no idea how logic could even play a part in her journey, because there’s no rhyme or reason why she’s going through what she is.  There have been a lot of things that have happened in my life that I wonder how and why they happened to me – and there is no logical explanation.  So I guess my logic has grown tremendously when it comes to endurance training.  I want to know how.  I want to know what it will take.  I want to know what the outcomes can be if I’m willing to do the work.  I’m a very compulsive person and am very good at making decisions.  It’s one of my strongest personality traits.  I can look at any situation, eliminate barriers and excuses, and prioritize.  When I make crazy extreme decisions, like running a marathon, they are made quickly and on faith.  Not only faith in God, but also faith in myself.   Faith in knowing that if I want something bad enough, even if it’s so hard and painful I want to quit, if I want it bad enough I’ll find a way.  I’ll dig it right out of the deepest darkest parts of my soul to see just how far I can go.

Listen, these few paragraphs can’t even begin to explain what my brain processes on a daily basis and just how crazy I can be sometimes.  It takes a very special team to coach me.  I require answers to a lot of questions.  I plan.  I prepare.  I always want to learn more.  I can’t imagine living a life where I wasn't trying to learn more every day.  If I had a team of coaches that become unwilling to explain the ins and outs of things, allowing me to weigh out the pros and cons and understand why they are what they are, I don’t think I would be able to achieve any of these dreams I have.  We all know I’m not going to become a professional athlete and win any races.  I’m not oblivious to reality.  But endurance training has taught me that if I am willing to do the work, I will see results.  It may, no it will, take years for me to compete with “good runners” and athletes.  But as long as my body holds up, and I am physically able to, I will work to become a better athlete.  I want to become better.  The hard work that lies ahead motivates me.  I get satisfaction in achieving things I only ever dreamed were possible.  I like to be challenged.  I want to be challenged.  I want to go toe to toe – and leave it all out on the line – knowing I didn't go down without a fight. 

26.2 will be part logic, part faith.  Logic tells me that I did the training.  I did the work.  I followed the plan.  I did A and B.  So statistically, I would be able to finish the race.  Faith and determination will be, from what I've been told, at mile 22.  When I ran my first half marathon, I got to mile 10 and saw Jesus.  Seriously, I think there were white lights.  I said I was just going to go lay down on the curb and wait for the saints to take me home.  But somehow, and it was ugly… I finished.  I’m sure I will be digging deep on Saturday.  I’m sure there will be moments of doubt.  But I need to have faith that in those moments I will find that determination, that will deep inside of me, that just refuses to quit.  3.2.13. #1. Gets. Done.

If you think it's easy, it's the furthest thing from it...

It was brought to my attention that my last blog post may have come across differently than what my intentions were.  Let me start by saying, I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things.  My brain literally never stops.  I don't sleep.  I very rarely find myself at a peaceful moment where there's not a million things going on in my brain.  I analyze everything.  I ask a lot of questions.  I am a planner.  I evaluate every risk I take and make sure it has a good ROI.  I look at the good and the bad of everything.  I always do my best to focus on the good, but the good isn't always reality.  Sometimes you need to be realistic of the current situation - life is not always sunshine and daisies.  That's not the real world.  But, I have learned that with every bad there is a good.  There is a silver lining in everything.  So I choose to focus on that silver lining.  But I also want to be sure I acknowledge the reality that exists. The point is, my brain never stops.  Therefore, I can't write down every detail of what I'm thinking in one blog post - it would take you years to read.  So, I'll give insight as I go.  

While I do not think anything I have done is worth any recognition (This is not something I want to debate. I am just expressing my own feelings.), I did not mean to come across that this journey has not been hard.  It has.  As I mentioned before, I didn't get to where I was by making smart choices.  I made bad ones.  I ate horribly.  I didn't work out.  There was no one to blame other than myself.  (Note: I do however wonder why my husband, family and friends never said, "Hey, have you looked in the mirror lately?")  I am the one who makes choices in my life.  Good or bad, I am the one who has to live with the consequences.  I made bad choices and I found myself in a deep dark place.  But here's some insight into my brain.  I am a very black and white person.  I literally got up one day, got on the scale, looked in the mirror and said, "You will never see this number again."  That was it.  In that moment, I decided to change.  Was it hard?  Absolutely.  But I just refused to allow the lifestyle that I had been living to continue.  I realized my life, my time here on this earth, was worth more.  

Listen, everyday there are struggles.  This is hard.  No doubt .  So today I'll talk about one of my hardest battles. Food. 

Food is an hourly struggle for me.  I can honestly say there are at least twenty or thirty times A DAY I want to grab sweets and unhealthy food.  It's all I think about some days.  I used to eat out for lunch and dinner almost everyday.  Not now.  I have to spend approximately three hours every Sunday prepping my food for the week to make sure everything I eat is healthy and gluten free (For those of you that don't know, I have Celiac's Disease.  A topic for another day.)  Going to parties, family gatherings, work lunches, dinners - anything that is not me prepping my food is an uncomfortable situation.  I feel awkward because I'm the "weird lady who eats the health food or packs her own meal to a party so she doesn't starve", or I feel horrible that whomever I'm with has to choose a restaurant or cook a certain meal just because of me.  Either way, I feel bad.  I hate inconveniencing people.  It keeps me up at night.  I just want to be a "normal" person.  But I will say that often times I am left with the question of, "What is normal?" 

I feel like my thoughts are all over the place tonight so I'll try to wrap this up before it goes into too much.  Here's the thing.  Life is hard.  It takes work.  It's not just handed to you.  This journey to losing the weight, to 26.2, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done.  Some of you look at me and think, "Wow she should feel so great that she lost all of that weight!".  What you don't realize is that I look in the mirror and still see that 256 pound size 22 girl.  I am ashamed that I ever got that way.  I wish I was born to be some tall, thin, beautiful super model.  But I wasn't.  None of this is written for you to pay me compliments.  It's not that I don't appreciate them, but it's not the point of this blog.  The point is that I know there are a few people reading this that are in a place that I was, and to be honest I wish I would of had someone that would have said to me "I understand how you're feeling.  I've been there."  You may think I have this perfect life and this perfect outlook on myself.  But guess what, I don't.  And I would argue that every single person has things they struggle with.  But most times people don't share their struggles.  They want people to think they have it all together.  But those are thoughts for another time. 

Losing weight, working out, training for a race - it's not easy.  There are days I look in the mirror and cry at what I see looking back at me.  There's not many body parts I can look at and say I like.  I am not where I want to be.  This is not the weight or the body I want to have.  But I'll tell you one thing. I'll be damned if I'll die not giving it my all, working hard to get where I want to be.  Where I am is no one's fault but my own.  I think the reason people don't stay on track to lose weight or train for a race is that they spend too much time looking for a quick fix or blaming someone else.  The only reason I moved on is that I looked in the mirror and saw what the problem was.  Me. 

So, is it hard?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Well, today I went into a store and bought a pair of size 8 pants.  In a normal people's store.  Not a plus size store, not the plus size section, just where normal sized people get to shop.  Is a size 8 where I want to be?  Hell no.  I have these damn big thighs that don't seem to go away no matter how much I run or work out.  But a size 8 is 14 sizes smaller than a 22.  Is it hard to find the time to work out, make it a priority and eat right?  Yes.  But remember that through each struggle, each battle, there is a reward.  You just have to be willing to work hard enough to get it.

1 week away and I'm starting a blog...

Blogging.  Not going to lie, it's something I've always thought about but never thought it was imperative to do.  In fact, more often than not, I have thought, "Wow, what a waste of time.  Who's really going to read what I have to write?  Don't they have something better to do with their lives?  Cure cancer?  Feed hungry children?  Rescue a dog?"  But I have found over this past year that writing things down has really helped to clear my mind and get me to places and experiences in reality that I had only ever visioned in my mind.  

Let me set the record straight from the beginning.  I, in no way, think that anything I have done in my life is out of the ordinary.  People will tell me, "You're such an inspiration! You inspire me!", and often times I'm trying hard to fight back a look of "What the heck, are you crazy?" off of my face.  Did I lose 100 pounds?  Yes.  But listen, let's be realistic here.  I like that this is my own page and I can say what I want. I only got that fat because I had lead and heart disease.  Too much lead in my ass and not enough heart to do anything about it.  I went through a few years of denial, trying to say it was a thyroid issue or blaming it on the fact that I was taking fertility drugs (Note: the doctors actually say this is why I gained a lot of weight... but I say they're crazy), and not looking at the reality of that I was eating like crap and not exercising.  Losing weight is science people.  Calories in.  Calories out.  I didn't get my stomach stapled, take any magic pills or do any magic wraps.  I got off of my ass and started watching what I ate.  I started eating clean, healthy, getting rid of most processed foods.  I made a choice to change my life. 

I get so frustrated with people who ask me for my help, I spend a ton of my time responding to tell them what I did, give them the basics of what worked for me, then months later they come back crying to me saying, "Oh well this and this and this and this...." blah blah blah blah, excuse after excuse after excuse.  Months and years later they're right where they started, or even worse off.  I'm not judging - everyone in life has the opportunity to make their own choices.  My frustrations come from stupidity.  Doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.  People need to be willing to step out of their comfort zones, try new things, and trust someone other than themselves to get where they want to go.  If you find yourself in a bad situation and you haven't sought out coaching or a mentor, you need to come to the realization that your own advice has not done you well. 

Listen, don't get me wrong.  I want to help people.  That's something I strive for every day of my life.  I want my life to have purpose.  When I die, I want at least one person other than my husband to realize I'm dead and think I made a good mark on this crazy ass world.  I wish I could just quit my job and learn to become a coach, to mentor people, to help them achieve their dreams.  Sometimes I think people just need a smack in the face and a dose of, "Get your head out of your ass, pull your big girl pants up, and get this shit done!" Nothing makes my heart happier than seeing people achieve their dreams.  Their ideas that were once in this imaginary unreachable world, that with hard work and dedication, become reality.  Being a part of that or having the opportunity to witness such a thing... is well... priceless.  There's no monetary value on that.  It's something that cannot be bought.  It is only earned. 

I'm sure people will take things I say on this blog personally, and let me just say that it's never directed at any one person.  If it is, I will call you out.  If I have something to say about you, I'll say it to your face.  There's no success or progress in not being honest with people.  Even if it's uncomfortable, there is strength and knowledge to be gained after the process of working it out.  You have to be willing to take the good with the bad and use the uncomfortable things you don't want to hear as opportunities for personal growth.  I can honestly say with every fiber in my being that had I not decided to hire a coach and become a part of a team, I never would have found myself one week away from crossing off #1 on my bucket list.  Running a full marathon.  I didn't hire a coach to have him say, "Oh you're awesome! Good Luck! Blah blah blah blah...." I hired a coach to tell me, "You're thinking is not right.  You're down a rabbit hole.  Get out.  Get out of your head.  I won't go there with you.  You need to change your form to become more efficient.  You need to look at things a different way...." The list goes on and on and on.  I needed someone to tell me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.  Did I struggle and get angry?  Hell yea I did.  I remember once I almost put my fist through a wall in anger at him because I was down a deep rabbit hole and he just stop responding to me.  Not responding - that is a hot button for me.  But it pushed me outside my comfort zone.  Outside this little bubble I've created.  It brought to light a lot of crap that I was allowing to weigh to me down.  And I learned that some of my hot buttons were not valid in real life outside of my own. 

This past 19 weeks has been filled with happiness, sadness, fist pumps, tears, fear, anger, and doubt in myself and my coach.  When you start training for a marathon, you kind of know "on paper" what the physical training will be like.  But no one, and I stress no one, can ever prepare you for the emotional journey... no wait, battle... you're about to embark on.  

In one week #1. Gets. Done.  It seems so surreal.  I still don't understand it.  I mean, who ever crosses #1 off on their bucket list?  That's supposed to be this imaginary, unreachable thing.  Maybe someday I'll share my bucket list story... how it all began... but not thinking that will be anytime soon.  

So this is a glimpse of what this blog will be.  Random trains of thoughts from my brain that make no sense to anyone but my brain.  I'm sure not many will follow, and this will be more of an opportunity for me to vent about some stuff, but if one person reads it - and it can help one person in one way - then it served purpose and was worth my time.  No guarantees that everything will make sense, but hopefully I'll be better about logging my journey on this crazy roller coaster of life.  

I can't stress enough again ... I'm still not sure what I do that is inspirational or how my life is any different from others.  I didn't do anything out of the ordinary.  All I did was make a decision and never look back.  I made the choice to do whatever it takes to get what I want.  Every person has the same equal opportunity to achieve their dreams as I do to achieve mine.  The only thing standing in their way is their own willingness to sacrifice and believe in something, no matter how out of reach it may be.