It was brought to my attention that my last blog post may have come across differently than what my intentions were. Let me start by saying, I have a lot of thoughts on a lot of things. My brain literally never stops. I don't sleep. I very rarely find myself at a peaceful moment where there's not a million things going on in my brain. I analyze everything. I ask a lot of questions. I am a planner. I evaluate every risk I take and make sure it has a good ROI. I look at the good and the bad of everything. I always do my best to focus on the good, but the good isn't always reality. Sometimes you need to be realistic of the current situation - life is not always sunshine and daisies. That's not the real world. But, I have learned that with every bad there is a good. There is a silver lining in everything. So I choose to focus on that silver lining. But I also want to be sure I acknowledge the reality that exists. The point is, my brain never stops. Therefore, I can't write down every detail of what I'm thinking in one blog post - it would take you years to read. So, I'll give insight as I go.
While I do not think anything I have done is worth any recognition (This is not something I want to debate. I am just expressing my own feelings.), I did not mean to come across that this journey has not been hard. It has. As I mentioned before, I didn't get to where I was by making smart choices. I made bad ones. I ate horribly. I didn't work out. There was no one to blame other than myself. (Note: I do however wonder why my husband, family and friends never said, "Hey, have you looked in the mirror lately?") I am the one who makes choices in my life. Good or bad, I am the one who has to live with the consequences. I made bad choices and I found myself in a deep dark place. But here's some insight into my brain. I am a very black and white person. I literally got up one day, got on the scale, looked in the mirror and said, "You will never see this number again." That was it. In that moment, I decided to change. Was it hard? Absolutely. But I just refused to allow the lifestyle that I had been living to continue. I realized my life, my time here on this earth, was worth more.
Listen, everyday there are struggles. This is hard. No doubt . So today I'll talk about one of my hardest battles. Food.
Food is an hourly struggle for me. I can honestly say there are at least twenty or thirty times A DAY I want to grab sweets and unhealthy food. It's all I think about some days. I used to eat out for lunch and dinner almost everyday. Not now. I have to spend approximately three hours every Sunday prepping my food for the week to make sure everything I eat is healthy and gluten free (For those of you that don't know, I have Celiac's Disease. A topic for another day.) Going to parties, family gatherings, work lunches, dinners - anything that is not me prepping my food is an uncomfortable situation. I feel awkward because I'm the "weird lady who eats the health food or packs her own meal to a party so she doesn't starve", or I feel horrible that whomever I'm with has to choose a restaurant or cook a certain meal just because of me. Either way, I feel bad. I hate inconveniencing people. It keeps me up at night. I just want to be a "normal" person. But I will say that often times I am left with the question of, "What is normal?"
I feel like my thoughts are all over the place tonight so I'll try to wrap this up before it goes into too much. Here's the thing. Life is hard. It takes work. It's not just handed to you. This journey to losing the weight, to 26.2, it's been the hardest thing I've ever done. Some of you look at me and think, "Wow she should feel so great that she lost all of that weight!". What you don't realize is that I look in the mirror and still see that 256 pound size 22 girl. I am ashamed that I ever got that way. I wish I was born to be some tall, thin, beautiful super model. But I wasn't. None of this is written for you to pay me compliments. It's not that I don't appreciate them, but it's not the point of this blog. The point is that I know there are a few people reading this that are in a place that I was, and to be honest I wish I would of had someone that would have said to me "I understand how you're feeling. I've been there." You may think I have this perfect life and this perfect outlook on myself. But guess what, I don't. And I would argue that every single person has things they struggle with. But most times people don't share their struggles. They want people to think they have it all together. But those are thoughts for another time.
Losing weight, working out, training for a race - it's not easy. There are days I look in the mirror and cry at what I see looking back at me. There's not many body parts I can look at and say I like. I am not where I want to be. This is not the weight or the body I want to have. But I'll tell you one thing. I'll be damned if I'll die not giving it my all, working hard to get where I want to be. Where I am is no one's fault but my own. I think the reason people don't stay on track to lose weight or train for a race is that they spend too much time looking for a quick fix or blaming someone else. The only reason I moved on is that I looked in the mirror and saw what the problem was. Me.
So, is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? Well, today I went into a store and bought a pair of size 8 pants. In a normal people's store. Not a plus size store, not the plus size section, just where normal sized people get to shop. Is a size 8 where I want to be? Hell no. I have these damn big thighs that don't seem to go away no matter how much I run or work out. But a size 8 is 14 sizes smaller than a 22. Is it hard to find the time to work out, make it a priority and eat right? Yes. But remember that through each struggle, each battle, there is a reward. You just have to be willing to work hard enough to get it.
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